It's amazing how sometimes your mood or attitude mimics the four seasons. I think that God's creation of the four seasons was so special and necessary. Winter is sometimes depressing since we are sometimes stuck indoors and missing our vitamin D. And whenever my miscarriage happened (at Christmastime), it made me long for Spring even more. And when spring came, I started to feel better about things.
I had some testing done at my OB/GYNS office, which revealed that I have issues with absorbing folate (folic acid) and possible blood clotting issues. The two gene mutations are called MTHFR and Paig4/g4. I started on large doses of folic acid and low dose aspirin, right away. And I met a new doctor who specializes in genetics. She was great! She and my OB/GYN seemed to think that the problem was definitely on my end. I guess in most cases of early miscarriage, the problem is maternal. So the genetics doctor said that we should have a DNA karaotype done to make sure there were no other issues to be concerned about. We agreed.
The month of April came and I had that 'feeling'. I was afraid that my doctor would be mad at me, but we hadn't tracked ovulation and it wasn't planned. I had hope that it would be okay this time. I tested positive on April 30th, 2010. I called the Dr. and told her that I hadn't received results of DNA karaotype and was curious because I was now pregnant again! We went in right away. She told us that my husband's DNA wasn't perfect. He has a balanced translocation of two chromosomes and that she was unsure of whether or not it would be the cause of miscarriage. The fact that it's balanced, is a great thing! The pregnancy ended two weeks later. I missed more work. I spent time questioning that herbal tea I drank or that seafood I had the week I found out...
It really makes the months drag by when you are thinking about how old you're getting and how you're ovulating. Then you think about how it might end in miscarriage when you become pregnant again. I know, it seems obsessive, but it's hard to describe when it's happening to your body. You feel everything. And as women, we're naturally attracted to our husbands, but sometimes I found myself afraid because of what might happen if I got pregnant again? My OB suggested contraceptives, but the genetic specialist suggested to wait on more blood tests to make sure there were no serious blood clotting issues.
It's a hard pill to swallow when your doctor tells you that the reason for all of the miscarriages is because of DNA and gene mutations. I mean, why would a loving God (who knows how much I adore children) allow such a strange condition to befall us? I know that is part of life and there are more serious health and medical conditions people are facing, but this was our struggle, and one struggle that I thought I'd never have to deal with.
Over this sad and long winter and springtime, I met a friend. We'll call her Billie. She had had several miscarriages like me. She had also had d and c surgeries. Billie had no children yet. We talked about our struggles. We started to have lunch each week. Most of the time we ate at taco bell. It wasn't about the food (because she doesn't eat much), but about the conversation. Here was a person who actually understood what I was talking about when I talked about feelings of guilt and sadness, progesterone and folic acid and horrible cycles. Just when I felt alone, I had someone who could empathize. And even when others around us criticized, we found comfort in each other's trials. I think I may have stopped working if it hadn't been for her. Some days it felt like most people were tired of bearing my burdens with me. But Billie always understood.
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