Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Distractions and healing

 As some of you know, I am a singer/songwriter. I enjoy music to the fullest. I come from a whole family of singers and musicians of all kinds. I have been singing in church and in the public for as long as I can remember. Most of my singing is of cover songs/tracks by other artists. So about 5 years ago, I picked up a pen to start writing some of my own songs. I got some advice from a friend and musician at church who had already written and recorded and album...he told me to start in scripture and use repetition. He helped me with two of my songs: Come To Me and Don't Be Afraid, two songs which I have not currently recorded. It sparked my interest so much that I began writing more each day. I also started practicing guitar, which is really hard. :( I know enough to play a couple worship songs and children's songs, but I need more practice. I recently picked it up again. Let's hope this time is more successful.

So anyway, back to the songwriting. I never really thought that it would come that easily to me, but it has. I love to sing to God and worship him and so in my quiet times and prayer times, I worship him and then just jot down the words. Sometimes the words are prayers to him, questions, complaints, or praises. It just depends on the day. I can't say that every day is peachy. I won't lie and say that I haven't questioned God on many occasions about the fairness of the bad situations in my life. And I will tell you that I'm convicted almost daily to straighten up my mood when I see the face of my precious son. It just hurts quite a bit when my son constantly questions me about his baby brother or sister. He is lonely. He's a very outgoing and loving child who needs a playmate, someone to share his days with. And whenever I was pregnant for almost 4 months in 2010, I was showing him cartoons with the "New baby" theme to help him understand what to expect. Sometimes it makes me angry whenever I think of how I could have had about three children by now, but those children were taken away from me and not only me, but my husband and son, too.

This post was supposed to be about my album, so....songwriting for me has been a little therapeutic, in a sense. I mean, I just set out to make music, but it has helped me cope with some of the pain and anger that I deal with. I wrote a song called, "I Should Be Fine" which is a description of how I have been feeling since the recurrent miscarriages. I wrote it last fall after the last miscarriage. I wrote it with all my babies in mind. It's sort of ironic because it's a sad song with a peppy melody. I guess it wouldn't have been as catchy in a minor/sad key? And with the help of my musician friend, Brett Baird, we came up with a pretty great sounding acoustic version. I hadn't written the second verse until very recently and it was neat how it came about and how it ministers to me, even today.

So to say that I thought songwriting would help me cope with recurrent miscarriage would be nonsense, but has God used these quiet times with him to speak to me, reassure me, hash it out with me, and love me, YES! And I'm proud to say that all the shows I've done over the last few months, the songwriting, and recording have all been great distractions to this somewhat constant pain and longing that I'll never understand. I know that God wants the best for me and my family and I believe that it means blessing us with another beautiful and healthy baby so in the meantime, I will just keep writing and singing praises to God, who is worthy of all praise. And I hope this song and all the songs on the album speak straight to your heart. The album is titled, Justified by Amanda Carson Riley, if you'd like to check it out on itunes.

 I Should  Be Fine, written by Amanda Carson Riley 2010

I thought of you today, in no particular way
it's just that I can't say, that I'm alright
I try and try to bid your memory goodbye, but after all I've tried you won't subside.

but then you come to me on an autumn breeze and I'm wondering why I can't see

that after all this time, I should be fine and I'm not.
and after all I've seen, I should be in a good spot
but one thought of you is all it takes to bring to mind everything that's at stake

your memory is pain, but I will take the blame
but blame won't help me heal, so mercy reigns
and mercy and good things will follow me today and I'll walk on in faith, though you remain.

but then you come to me on an autumn breeze and I take a breath, cuz I can see…

that after all this time, I should be fine and I'm not.
and after all I've seen, I should be in a good spot
but one thought of you is all it takes to bring to mind everything that's at stake

And my heart will hold you, and remember when, all the love I'm feeling, it will never end, yah.


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